I have ignored Jesus. I have kept Him from working in some areas of struggle in my life, my baggage, by choosing to ignore that they exist. I thought I had given Him the freedom to work on anything He desired. I was wrong.
This realization brings some personal crisis into my life. It is a bit like if I had been ignoring long-time symptoms of a sickness in my body and finding out I have a serious disease; I am relieved to finally know what is wrong, but discouraged by the diagnosis.
There have been seasons in my adult life when I would wake up in the middle of the night with things swirling around in my head. Struggles, regrets, wrong attitudes, and bad memories would occupy my mind. It was emotionally painful to dwell on these things, and I would seek to push them aside. I would read my Bible, read a book, check Facebook, and try to pray away the thoughts knocking on my brain at 3am. It worked temporarily but they would usually return. It never occurred to me that Jesus was allowing these things to surface as a “wake-up call” to the control these areas were influencing in my life.
Now that I am conscious to this situation how do I begin? How do I figure out what needs to be worked on? I have settled on one strategy. Any area in my life I don’t want to think about is an area that needs work. What I avoid Jesus wants to meet head-on. I don’t think I have to tackle them all at once. I am confident that Jesus will help me “unpack the baggage of my life as I trip over them”. But, avoidance is not an option anymore.
Most of the areas I write about in this blog are things that are more established in my life. This is not. I am entering into new territory. There is some fear and intimidation, as well as some embarrassment to just now coming to this place. There are also many questions and “wonderings” to moving forward with this plan. What will Jesus reveal to me in those areas from which I have chosen to hide? What will He bring back to memory that I have chosen to forget. How will He help me resolve those feelings of conflict that may still exist? How messy will it get? Am I willing to go through it so that my past doesn’t continue to hinder my future? What price am I willing to pay for being free of my emotional baggage?
I am committed to this path as far as I can see. It is what lies beyond the horizon that makes me nervous. Fortunately, my confidence is not in my resolve but in my Savior’s ability to always work for my good.
Thank you for writing this. Man, exactly where I am to. Many times for me it’s easier to push things down and “keep moving forward” because that’s what we do as christians, right? We march ahead looking forward trying to ignore or assuming we have delt with things because we are moving forward. Ugh! It’s also a bit scary to let God work through those areas….we give over control. Thanks for putting your heart out there! Love ya!
Thanks for joining me in the journey. It is encouraging to know others are working through this struggle too.