Journey of the Talmid

I have ignored Jesus.  I have kept Him from working in some areas of struggle in my life, my baggage, by choosing to ignore that they exist.  I thought I had given Him the freedom to work on anything He desired. I was wrong.

This realization brings some personal crisis into my life. It is a bit like if I had been ignoring long-time symptoms of a sickness in my body and finding out I have a serious disease; I am relieved to finally know what is wrong, but discouraged by the diagnosis.

There have been seasons in my adult life when I would wake up in the middle of the night with things swirling around in my head. Struggles, regrets, wrong attitudes, and bad memories would occupy my mind. It was emotionally painful to dwell on these things, and I would seek to push them aside. I would read my Bible, read a book, check Facebook, and try to pray away the thoughts knocking on my brain at 3am. It worked temporarily but they would usually return. It never occurred to me that Jesus was allowing these things to surface as a “wake-up call” to the control these areas were influencing in my life.

Now that I am conscious to this situation how do I begin? How do I figure out what needs to be worked on? I have settled on one strategy. Any area in my life I don’t want to think about is an area that needs work. What I avoid Jesus wants to meet head-on. I don’t think I have to tackle them all at once. I am confident that Jesus will help me “unpack the baggage of my life as I trip over them”. But, avoidance is not an option anymore.

Most of the areas I write about in this blog are things that are more established in my life. This is not. I am entering into new territory. There is some fear and intimidation, as well as some embarrassment to just now coming to this place. There are also many questions and “wonderings” to moving forward with this plan. What will Jesus reveal to me in those areas from which I have chosen to hide? What will He bring back to memory that I have chosen to forget. How will He help me resolve those feelings of conflict that may still exist? How messy will it get? Am I willing to go through it so that my past doesn’t continue to hinder my future? What price am I willing to pay for being free of my emotional baggage?

I am committed to this path as far as I can see. It is what lies beyond the horizon that makes me nervous. Fortunately, my confidence is not in my resolve but in my Savior’s ability to always work for my good.

I have a secret desire to bait someone into a conversation. The setup might go something like this. “How are you doing today”? I hope for a response of “Fine”, or “Doing great”. Then comes my follow up, “Why? Why are you doing great”? So many times the reason behind a person’s great day is because life is easy at the moment and that good things are happening. But what really makes a great day or a great life. Is it because they have avoided sickness or conflict, and that people are speaking well of them?

If life is good only when good things are happening to me, then is life bad when these things are not happening? God is getting me off the roller coaster of evaluating how my life is going based on the situations and events that are happening in my life. I see examples of Christians, both ancient and contemporary, that find peace, meaning, and fulfillment in their daily lives regardless of the ease of their situation.

In the scriptures Paul talks about the hardships of his life. He doesn’t give Christians an excuse to compromise but uses himself as an example of how to view life. “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through him (Christ) who gives me strength”. Philippians 4:12-13. “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. It would seem that both of these scriptures point us to a life of peace regardless of what is happening around us. We need a heavenly perspective of our human life. We need to see our life through the eyes of Jesus.

When we see our lives from God’s viewpoint, and not from the pressure or pain of our experiences, we can learn that He is at work in us in every situation we encounter. I have begun to learn that every experience can work to mature and refine me. I have learned more about whom I am. My faith in God is deepening. I am learning to love my enemies and to pray for those who persecute me. I am learning to give thanks when I suffer for being a Christian. I am discovering that suffering in my life produces perseverance and is shaping my character. There are other difficult commands in scripture that I hope God will develop in me in the years ahead. He seems committed to the challenge. If I am wise I will cooperate in the process.

I am learning to rejoice that God is working in my life even though it is at times difficult, unpleasant, or painful. Life is good when God is walking through it with you.

Failure is a word that makes me feel sick. When I fail other people are impacted, usually not in a good way. I see parts of my life that are still imperfect, and I am not the shining example of Christ that I desire to be. But, failure has been one of the most powerful tools that God has used to change and mature me. Even so, the pain associated with failure is still difficult to embrace.

I read a scrolling sign outside a bowling alley while returning home from a trip to my son’s school. The sign advertised a youth bumper bowling league. Bumpers are rails or inflated tubes that keep bowling balls from falling into the alley gutters. No matter how poor the bowler any thrown ball will almost always make it to the pins.

We used bumpers sometimes with our kids when they were young until they were more skilled at rolling a bowling ball. They were a good way to introduce them to the fun of the sport without the consequences of a poorly rolled ball. (We are officially done with bumpers. My youngest son, who is eight years old, bowled a 186 this summer on a bumper-less alley).

Is completely removing failure from our kids’ lives healthy? Is it healthy for parents? Is it healthy for me?  I don’t think so. We shelter our kids from the pain of failure; the struggle, embarrassment, disappointment and tears. But aren’t there important things to learn from failing? Rather than take failure out of our children’s’ lives, perhaps we need to change the way we view it. Maybe we need to come to terms with God desiring to work through our failures.

Many years ago I was working in a youth ministry. When I first started I set many good and helpful goals on how I would personally grow and minister to the people around me, how I would help the organization be healthy, and how I would invest in my family. After five years, while sitting in my office one day, I realized that I had failed at accomplishing most of these. I cried. As I sat at my desk, embarrassed and grieved at my realization, I said to my heavenly Father, “I am a failure”. He responded, “Yes you are. And I love you anyway”.

This was a pivotal moment of my faith journey. I learned many practical and spiritual insights through that experience. It helped lay a foundation of grace, forgiveness, and mercy for my spiritual walk, allowing me to lay aside my human effort. God used failure to transform me when I embraced the pain of my own failure and chose to lean on His truth instead.

For some additional information on a Christian perspective of failure follow this link: https://bible.org/seriespage/mark-17-wisdom-deal-failure

We all have expectations. Some of them I consciously think about. Others are more hidden. At the beginning of the day I anticipate what I will experience at work or during other events of my day. I set a plan and create a schedule. I have expectations of what will happen driving to Walmart. I have expectations of what will happen when I turn on my computer. I have expectations of how people will act around me; my wife, my kids, and even strangers. I set expectations about how I should be treated, of what is fair and right. When situations, circumstances, or people do not fulfill my expectations conflict sometimes occurs.

I have expectations of God. I may not acknowledge it but if God is gracious and just, loving and kind, merciful and sovereign, I have a mental list of what I can expect of His interactions in my life. When He fulfills this list my expectations are reinforced. When He doesn’t live up to what I expect I struggle.

I am old enough to know I have this mental list, and I am hopefully wise enough to know that my finite human intelligence does not comprehend and understand the full nature of the eternal God. But, I still struggle with the game of “why don’t you meet my expectations, God?” As much as I would like to have God’s workings in my life well defined I am reminded of this conflict within me through a picture. It is a poster with an image of a white cardboard box with black lettering. It states: “I am not in here. God”.

How do I respond when God does not fulfill my expectations? What is the right response to this conflict that will help me become a mature believer? I am forced to change my expectations of Him. I have no other choice if I truly believe that God is real and is at work within me and in the world around me. For to consider a different option is to consider that God is not whom He says He is.  I either question whether He is loving, or I change what I expect to experience from His love. I either question whether He is good, or I patiently wait to see good come about through His actions or what He allows to come into my life. He is either sovereign over all things or He is something else other than God Almighty.

I have friends and acquaintances that have had many difficult situations come into their lives. I do not have an answer to their question of “how or why God could let this happen”.  My only encouragement is to know that God is who He says He is, and that at some time I will no longer look through a glass darkly. For now, I choose a faith centered in Him, and I begin to discover what true love looks like. I discover that God performs a miracle by transforming what was evil and tragic into something good. By His grace I begin to be transformed as Christ becomes alive in me, “the hope of glory”. Genesis 45:4-7, 2 Samuel 7:22, Ezra 3:11, Psalm 25:8, Colossians 1:27, 1 Corinthians 13:12, 1 John 4:8…